Disclaimer: This post is intended to help people in secure relationships where there is no abuse, violence, or the potential for abuse or violence. It is specifically about shifting the distribution of domestic work, care work, and the mental load within a relationship.
I hear it all the time. “This sounds great, but I don’t think it will work for us.”
I teach couples how to share domestic work and the mental load of it all, in a way that’s equitable and gets to the heart of why things weren’t shared fairly in the first place. But a lot of the time, women are skeptical. They just don’t see how their partner could fully understand the weight of the mental load that women carry, let alone make changes that are meaningful and lasting.
The fundamental question underneath their doubt is this: Can he actually change?
The answer is yes, of course he can. Because we are never not changing. Change is constant, and it’s not a matter of if, but when and how.
It’s easy to feel discouraged when you’re the one holding everything together. When you’re the one remembering the appointments, buying the birthday gifts, planning the meals, and monitoring the laundry situation while simultaneously managing your career and caring for your kids. It can be lonely and frustrating and exhausting. It can feel like there is no solution. No way things could ever be equal. Like you’re just stuck in a role you never signed up for.
But you are not stuck. Change isn’t exceptional. It’s never not happening. We often think of changes as these big, dramatic moments (quitting a job, moving to a new city, ending a relationship). But most often, change comes in small adjustments (deciding to put your phone away during dinner, committing to taking daily walks, rearranging your office furniture).
We are all changing all the time, whether we notice it or not. And that includes your partner.
We All Know That Girl
I have a vivid memory of a random moment from high school. People were standing around the classroom, and a girl who was in a lot of my classes was telling everyone that she didn’t think a woman could be president because women are too emotional.
I remember not only disagreeing with her, but I thought it was so absurd for her to hold that belief (as a girl?). I didn’t understand how she could believe something that I saw as clearly contradictory and wrong. (The guys standing around agreeing with her made sense to me, but not her.)
I don’t know where she is in life right now, but I would almost guarantee that she can think of at least one woman who could be president. Regardless of what her political opinions are today, I bet she no longer believes that women are too emotional to be president.
Because that’s what we do. We change our minds. We change our opinions and beliefs, then we change our actions as a result. Our perspectives shift, and our behaviors follow.
Think about what you believed in high school (cringe). Do you still hold all the same beliefs now? Do you like all the same things? Do you still dress the same way, talk the same way, think the same way? Some things stay the same, but not everything. We receive new information, we have new experiences, and we grow.
If we can look back at our own lives and see how much we’ve shifted, why should we assume that our partner is incapable of doing the same thing?
If Our Enemies Can Do It
Septima Poinsette Clark, a civil rights leader and educator said this (which inspired this entire post):
“You know the measure of a person is how much they develop in their life. Some people slow down in their growth after they become adults. But you never know when a person’s going to leap forward or change around completely—I’ve seen growth like most people don’t think possible. I can even work with my enemies because I know from experience that they might have a change of heart any minute.”
Septima Poinsette Clark believed in the capacity for growth, not just in children, but in adults, and even in her enemies. She knew transformation was always possible because she saw it happen.
If she could believe in the potential for change in people who actively opposed her fight for justice and even her humanity, how can we not hold out hope for the people closest to us? How can we assume that the person we’ve chosen to build a life with is incapable of change? We shouldn’t, and it’s not fair to them if we do.
How Change Actually Happens
Of course, change doesn’t happen just because we want it to. It happens in through influence and by example.
Here’s how change actually happens:
Change rarely happens through control. You can’t shame or micromanage someone into real growth. You might get short-term compliance, but you won’t get meaningful change.
Change happens by planting seeds. One conversation might not sink in right away, but after weeks or months of continued, respectful discussions, you both might gain some new perspective.
We are changed most profoundly by people we love and trust. Think of the people who’ve most shaped and influenced you. They probably weren’t strangers in the comments section. They were your friends, parents, teachers, partners. People you respect and trust who gave you space to grow.
Change can result from inspiration. We have the phrase, “leading by example.” Sometimes, seeing your partner model a new way of doing things makes you want to step up. For example, when one partner starts prioritizing rest and boundaries, it can inspire the other person to rethink their own habits.
Change can also result from setting boundaries. Sometimes, it takes one partner drawing a line (refusing to carry the whole load alone) for the other to step up. It’s not about punishment. It’s about creating the conditions where growth is necessary. And it doesn’t have to be something big. Think, “I’ll be in charge of laundry, but from now on, I’m only washing things that are in the hamper. If you need something washed, please put it in the hamper.”
Change comes from diversity of perspective. Growth often starts when someone we love challenges us in a way we can actually receive, but in order to change, we have to hear things that are different from what we already believe.
Think about how many times your worldview has shifted because someone close to you said something that stayed with you for a while. That’s how real change works.
Applying This to the Mental Load
If you’re carrying more than your share of the domestic work, care work, and mental load, it can be hard to see how things could improve. You might feel like, “This is just how he is. He’ll never change.”
But your partner is not a fixed, unchanging person. He is evolving in other areas of his life all the time. At work, he’s adapting to a new role, developing new skills, and working with new people. With friends, he’s trying out new interests or hobbies. As a parent, he’s constantly adjusting to each new stage of your children’s lives.
The same capacity for growth exists in your partnership. The same willingness to adjust and learn can be applied to sharing responsibility more fairly. Yes, it can take time. Yes, it often takes difficult conversations. And yes, sometimes it takes setting boundaries that feel awkward and uncomfortable.
But the first step to changing is believing that you can.
Yes, He Can
So, can people change? The answer is yes. Change isn’t just possible, it’s inevitable. The person you love today is not the exact same person you met years ago, and neither are you. The better questions are when, how, and under what conditions?
People deserve the chance to change, and in our closest relationships, sometimes we get to be both the cultivators and the beneficiaries of that growth.
If you’re ready to plant seeds and create real, lasting change in your home, my course Mental Load in Balance is designed to help you and your partner share the work of family life in a way that’s equitable, sustainable, and supportive.