Everything always works out when someone else is handling it
What mental load imbalance at home has to do with political apathy.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Don't worry, it always works out.
Everything will be fine. You're stressing for nothing.
You're overreacting. It's not that big of a deal.
If so, you probably know why everything always tends to work out … because you're the one making sure that it does. When things work out, it's almost always because someone is taking responsibility, not by some invisible force of nature.
Research shows women are disproportionately carrying the mental load at home. It's not just doing chores and meal planning and getting the kids to school. It's anticipating everyone else's needs, thinking through the possible scenarios and planning accordingly, coordinating, monitoring, reflecting and adjusting.
This week has been especially heavy and exhausting if you've been paying attention even a little bit.
But if your partner doesn't seem to be feeling that same weight, this could be why: if you're generally oblivious to everything that goes into managing a home/family, you also may not realize how much goes into maintaining a democracy either.
How we participate at home is a micro example of how we participate in society.
Do we anticipate our own needs and the needs of others who depend on us, then take responsibility for ensuring those needs are met, or do we leave it for someone else to handle?
In addition to carrying the mental load at home (the anticipating, planning, monitoring, etc.), we also have to carry it as members of a larger society. Households don't run themselves, and neither do functioning democracies. And our actions as members of our household often mirror our actions as citizens.
Many women are rightly concerned about threats to our basic rights and the increasingly common misogyny we experience, which our government is either creating or doing nothing to help. Every time I open Instagram or Substack or any of my news apps, I see something new and concerning, specifically as a woman. And as a woman with a public social media presence, I am constantly thinking about whether something I post could offend someone (always a man) who might want to cause me harm. I think a lot about the injustice and unfairness of being a woman and the double standards we experience.
I know so many other women are experiencing this too, but how many men are really thinking about these things? And how many are actually doing anything about it?
For too long, women have been doing the mundane but necessary work to keep our family’s daily lives running smoothly, to the benefit of men (who often have "more important" things to do with their time). This is supported by research. On average, women spend twice as much time on domestic and care work. There is a 65/35 split, with women doing 65% of the household work and men doing 35%, and this has remained steady for the past 30+ years. Single mothers spend less time on housework than married women. Men have significantly more leisure time than women.
There are many reasons for this imbalance, and my intent is not to blame men. I often write about how this is a systemic problem, not something created solely by men that we should blame them for. (I actually put together a whole course on how to fix it in your home.)
My point is this. If you have grown accustomed to your home life generally being handled by someone else (so you can focus your time and energy elsewhere), and for most of your life, changes in political administrations didn't really affect your day-to-day, you may have grown complacent. But not all of us can afford to be complacent. And not all of us have grown accustomed to letting other people manage our home life for us.
As I'm writing this, I know it's going to seem harsh. I keep rereading these paragraphs thinking about how I can tone it down a little. But in order to actually preserve our democracy, we need everyone to (1) pay attention and (2) be willing to take some action. We need men to care about "women's issues." We need men to acknowledge the misogyny and double standards, and to reject them publicly. We need everyone to speak up when the rights of some are being threatened.
Families thrive when the domestic work and care work is shared fairly. It doesn't have to be equal, but it should be equitable. And societies are the same. We can only thrive when the work of maintaining a functioning society is shared fairly.
We can't have a real democracy when in the face of blatant constitutional violations and threats to our fundamental rights, the most privileged members of society just go about their day and say, "yeah, that's crazy."
So, what do we do with all of this?
Here are a few principles I teach when couples want to create better balance at home, and I think they apply to this political moment too.
Anticipating needs together. Don’t assume someone else will think ahead and prepare for what might happen. Share the responsibility.
Coordinating roles and responsibilities. Don’t let invisible labor default to one person (or group of people) based on some pre-existing expectations that no one ever really agreed to. Make the invisible visible, then divide it fairly, and be intentional. Hold yourself and each other accountable for following through.
Sharing resources fairly. We all have a limited amount of time, money, and energy. Consider how you're spending them and whether it's fair under all the circumstances. If you have excess resources (in any form), think about who might need them and how you can give.
Checking in, adjusting, and improving together. Communicate often and be vulnerable. If it doesn't happen organically, then set aside dedicated time to check in and talk about things that are important. This applies to you and your partner, but also to your wider circle of family, friends, and neighbors.
Being on the same team. When we're on the same team, we can only win or lose together. This is the key to creating balance at home, and it will also be the key to overcoming division in our country.
Households and societies live and die the same way. They thrive when responsibility is shared, when decisions are made fairly, and when care is given and received by everyone. And they decline when some look away and assume “everything will work out” while others carry more than their share.
Research: