Let's Talk About Patriarchy
We can’t have meaningful discussions about mental load or emotional labor without talking about patriarchy.
If you want a guaranteed eye roll, just say the word “patriarchy.”
“Here we go, another rant about how men are the problem.” But, let’s talk about it. Because the conversation we need to have about patriarchy isn’t just about men—it’s about all of us. And more specifically, it’s about how the deeply ingrained structures of patriarchy shape the way we manage our households, divide our labor, and carry around the weight of modern life.
What is Patriarchy, Really?
Patriarchy is more than a buzzword or an academic concept. It’s the way most societies have been ordered for thousands of years. It’s a social system that has positioned men as the default decisionmakers and women as the default caretakers. It places men in positions of power and women in positions of supporting men in their power. It’s why the mental, physical, and emotional labor of running a household still falls disproportionately on women, even in relationships that aspire to be equal. It’s why women often become the default parent, the family project manager, and the keeper of the endless to-do list, while their male partners “help” but aren’t expected to take full ownership. And it’s what disproportionately keeps women out of decision-making roles everywhere.
Why Do We Hate This Word?
The resistance is understandable. No one likes to be blamed or shamed. Many men hear the word and assume they’re being accused of doing something wrong. But talking about patriarchy isn’t about villainizing men—it’s about recognizing the structural forces that shape our expectations, habits, and relationships. (All of us, not just men.)
Many of us grew up watching our moms do it all. We saw them balancing work while also managing the lives of everyone else, keeping track of appointments, extracurriculars, grocery lists and family gatherings, being the go-to for everyone else’s problems, and never really complaining about any of it (at least, not to us). It’s what was expected of them. That’s what good moms do. Meanwhile, dads doing the same were praised as going above and beyond.
From a young age, we absorbed these patterns without even realizing it. And even when we strive for something different in our own relationships, we can easily find ourselves slipping into old dynamics—because that’s how the system was built and that’s what we see all around us.
Regardless of our gender, we have all played a role in upholding the system of patriarchy and we all carry that bias with us in one way or another. Talking about patriarchy requires us to acknowledge and confront that reality.
How Patriarchy Hurts Everyone
The truth is: patriarchy doesn’t just burden women, it also limits men. It discourages them from developing the skills and habits needed to be equal partners and parents. It tells them that their value is tied to their work and financial contributions rather than their emotional labor and caregiving abilities. It leaves them feeling disconnected from their families, overwhelmed by the expectation that they must be the “provider” and uncertain about how to fully engage in family life beyond taking out the trash or playing with the kids on weekends.
Patriarchy forces men to become passive participants in their home life instead of co-creators.
Why This Matters at Home
If we truly want equitable, balanced partnerships, we have to address the root cause of the imbalance. Sharing the mental, physical, and emotional labor fairly isn’t just about making a chore chart or having one-off conversations about the division of labor. It requires us to actively unlearn old patterns and rethink the assumptions we carry about who is responsible for what.
We need to ask better questions:
Who keeps track of the things that need to be done at home? (And what even are those things?)
Who is responsible for planning, not just executing, family logistics?
Who absorbs the emotional weight of making sure things run smoothly and restores order when they don’t?
And most importantly, how can we rework these dynamics so one person isn’t bearing the brunt of it all while the other hardly notices?
Dismantling Patriarchy, One Household at a Time
Patriarchy might feel like an impossibly large and complex system to dismantle, but change starts in the small, everyday choices we make at home. It starts with recognizing the invisible labor, having real and ongoing conversations, and allocating responsibilities in a way that respects and values both partners’ time and energy. It also starts with being a positive example for the people around you.
This isn’t about blaming—it’s about building something better. After all, patriarchy is a system, and dismantling it will inevitably require another system to replace it. But a better system is possible. It’s possible to have a home where both partners feel supported, where no one is running on empty, and where both the weight and the enjoyment of family life is shared fairly. Having real equity at home isn’t just splitting tasks; it requires dismantling the systems that made imbalance the norm in the first place.
And that starts with talking about patriarchy.