Talking to your partner about the mental load can be difficult and even awkward, especially if they don’t really understand what “the mental load” means.
To help, I want to give you a strategy for having that first conversation in a natural way using Christmas and the holiday season as the entry point. We know the holidays add to our already heavy load. When it comes to Christmas, women tend to be the ones planning activities and events, buying gifts, managing the schedule, and generally creating the holiday magic.
By going through this step-by-step process and using your own variation of the script below, you can show your partner how much invisible work you’re doing for a single holiday and how you can better share the load of the holiday season. It can also open the door to talking about how you can better share the mental load more equitably all year to make both of your lives better.
What Can I Say?
Here’s a sample script you can use as a starting point:
“I follow this woman on Substack (or Instagram) and she talks about how to better manage your time and mental load and how to be more efficient. I was reading this article/post she wrote about how to be more organized around the holidays, and it sounded like something we could do.
She basically created a checklist of everything that needs to be done, separated out into categories, and she gave some strategies for how to divide things up in a way that makes sense, so couples can be more organized and on the same page. If I print it out or send it to you, would you be willing to look at it with me?”
Then, propose a specific time that you know would work well for both of you.
They might be skeptical. They might not take it seriously. They might say it’s not necessary. But, the first step is just to ask. And if it’s important to you, they should be willing to give you 15 minutes.
What’s the Process?
First, you’ll sit down together and make a list of everything the holiday season requires of you. I put together a list you can use as a starting point.
Outdoor Decorations
Deciding whether you need to buy new outdoor decorations or if you already have everything you need for outside
Installing outdoor lights and inflatables, including checking and replacing bulbs
Managing safety (extension cords, pet-proofing, fire safety, etc.)
Taking down, organizing, and storing outdoor decorations after the holidays
Indoor Decorations
Deciding whether you need to buy new outdoor decorations or if you already have everything you need for inside
Selecting, setting up, and decorating the Christmas tree
Setting up other décor (mantel, dining table, living spaces, etc.)
Taking down, organizing, and storing indoor decorations after the holidays
Gift Buying, Wrapping, and Giving
Making a comprehensive gift list for family, friends, coworkers, teachers, etc.
Note: You might want to break this out, so you each have a separate list of people. You can also create a shared note or spreadsheet that you can both access and update.
Setting and tracking a gift budget (see the gift tracking spreadsheet)
Brainstorming gift ideas and/or deciding on the final purchases
Shopping for gifts (online and/or in store)
Tracking shipping and delivery dates to ensure everything is received on time
Wrapping gifts, labeling them, and managing wrapping supplies
Determining where gifts are stored or hidden from kids
Managing secret Santa, school gift exchanges, or work gift exchanges
Holiday Events and Traditions
Planning and scheduling holiday events (work parties, family gatherings, school programs)
Coordinating calendars with extended family and friends
Planning, organizing, and preparing for traditions (baking cookies, Advent calendars, Elf on the Shelf, looking at Christmas lights, etc.)
Finding local or community events to attend
Managing invitations and RSVPs
Writing, addressing, and sending holiday cards
Choosing and/or purchasing outfits for events and photos
Capturing family memories (photos, videos, holiday letters, keepsakes)
Meal Planning and Preparation
Planning menus for holiday meals and/or parties
Note: These tasks might vary based on the meal or event.
Making grocery lists and checking pantry supplies
Shopping for ingredients and kitchen supplies
Coordinating who cooks, bakes, or brings dishes to gatherings
Cooking and managing timelines (prep ahead vs. day-of tasks)
Decorating, table settings, and cleaning up afterward
Travel and Logistics
Deciding where to spend the holidays and coordinating with relatives
Researching and booking flights, rental cars, or hotels
Ensuring your car is in good repair before traveling
Managing travel documents, tickets, and itineraries
Packing for the family, including gifts and weather-appropriate clothing
Planning pet or house care while away
Managing arrival and departure times, pickup/drop-off logistics for visitors
Coordinating with others for shared plans and expectations
Charity and Giving Back
Choosing charities, drives, or organizations to support
Setting a budget or donation plan
Organizing donations (gifts, clothing, toys, food, etc.) and coordinating drop-off or pick-up
Volunteering or attending community service events
Emotional and Mental Load Awareness
Helping kids manage excitement, overstimulation, or disappointment
Finding and/or creating opportunities to teach your kids about your family’s values, faith traditions, etc.
Anticipating and acknowledging the emotional weight of traditions, expectations, or grief during the holidays
Checking in on your partner or family members
Setting up and maintaining a shared calendar
Coordinating regular check-ins with each other to revisit this list and adjust
Storing important information where both partners can easily access it
Practicing gratitude and appreciation for each other’s contributions
As you’re creating the list, you might not agree on everything that should be included. You might think taking your kids to see Santa is a necessity, and they might disagree and feel like you have enough events without it. That’s part of the point of doing the exercise. Talk it through and make some compromises based on your overall schedule, bandwidth, and budget.
Once you have a final list, step two is to divide things up. It’s much easier said than done, but start assigning tasks, then adjust until you get to a division that feels fair to both of you. If you’d prefer to do most of the things on the list and your partner agrees you’re better at those things and enjoy them more, then think of other areas where they could pick up some slack. Maybe they can handle more of the housework or take something else off your plate, so you’re not burning out trying to add this whole list to your normal responsibilities.
Wherever possible, try to include a date when tasks should be performed or completed by. For example, outdoor decorations should be put up between Thanksgiving and Saturday, December 6th. It might sound like overkill, but it really does help.
Here are some questions to help you decide who should be responsible for what:
Which holiday tasks do you enjoy and which ones feel like obligations or stressors?
What are your goals for this holiday season (rest, family time, fun, simplicity)?
Do we want to aim for an even split of tasks, or divide based on interest, skill, or available time? What feels fair and makes sense for our family?
How can we make sure neither of us ends up carrying all the invisible work or mental load (remembering, tracking, reminding)?
Are there things we usually do that we could simplify, outsource, or skip this year?
How can we build in rest time for both of us, especially around high-stress days or travel?
Which tasks are fun for us to do together versus better handled individually?
What are the tasks or categories of tasks that require the most time and effort?
What’s the best way for us to keep track of everything (shared list, digital planner, whiteboard, etc.)?
How can we make sure each of us feels comfortable speaking up when we are struggling or unhappy?
Finally, schedule time to check in periodically (even just 10-15 minutes each week) to look at your list, talk through any shared responsibilities, and re-evaluate whether your current distribution still makes sense.
Remember, You’re on the Same Team
Try to be flexible and willing to make adjustments or maybe let go of some things that feel like too much work. Remember your goal for the holidays and try to stay aligned with it from week to week.
If you’re struggling to share the mental load with your partner in a way that feels fair (not just around the holiday season, but all year), this exercise can be the perfect way to introduce the subject and make the mental load visible.
And if you try this exercise and feel overwhelmed at any point, that’s because life can be overwhelming. Managing the holiday season and everything that makes it special is a lot. But as I’m sure you know, most of these things don’t end on December 26th. You’re still managing calendars and work and meals and travel plans, and everything else.
To learn how to apply this system to the rest of your life, subscribe and follow @mockingbirdlearning.