Mental Load Imbalance

What is the mental load, who carries it, and why it matters

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You know that feeling when you finally sit down to relax, but almost immediately, you’re thinking about the school form you forgot to sign, the birthday gift you still need to buy before next weekend, and three things you need to add to the grocery list.

It’s not that you’re “bad at relaxing.” It’s not just stress or anxiety. It’s the mental load.

What is the Mental Load?

The mental load is the often-invisible, never-ending work of keeping your life running smoothly. The most exhausting part of managing a household isn’t the physical act of doing the chores or buying what your family needs. It’s anticipating, planning, remembering, knowing, monitoring, adjusting ... all the time.

Photo by Jelena Kostic on Unsplash

The mental load isn’t limited to household chores and taking care of your kids. It encompasses everything you have to think about all the time. If you’re struggling financially, that stress adds to your mental load because you’re scrutinizing the cost of everything. If you have a job, that also adds to your mental load because it’s something you’re responsible for.

Here are some categories of things that makes up the mental load:

• Household management (cleaning, chores, errands, groceries, etc.)

• Childcare, parenting, and development

• Financial management

• Health, wellbeing, and self-care

• Social coordination

• Travel planning and memory making

• Relationships and emotional support for others

• Work responsibilities

• Caring for loved ones and pets

• Home and car maintenance

Chances are, you’re doing most of these things without really thinking of them as the mental load. It's a lot to manage, which is why it can become such a big issue when it's not balanced fairly, and one person feels like they're carrying more than their share.

The mental load has two main components:

• Cognitive labor – managing tasks, planning ahead, coordinating, remembering details. It’s the running to-do list. The mental calculator, calendar and project management system.

• Emotional labor – caring for the emotional wellbeing of the household. Anticipating needs, soothing hurt feelings, managing tension, and keeping the peace.

When these tasks are unfairly distributed over time (even if it’s unintentional), that imbalance can wear down even the strongest relationships, leading to resentment, disconnection and frustration.

And the reality is, it usually isn’t shared equally.

We All Carry It, But Not Equally

Everyone carries some form of mental load. We all have things we’re responsible for that weigh on us. However, research shows that women disproportionately carry this burden at home. Even in modern, progressive households, where both partners work and value equality, the invisible labor of managing the household often defaults to women, especially mothers.

In heterosexual partnerships, even when both partners work full-time, women are more likely to be the ones taking responsibility for making appointments, planning meals, organizing childcare, managing emotional dynamics, and taking time off when a child is sick. These aren’t just chores. They require constant attention, emotional investment, and time.

This doesn’t mean men don’t carry the mental load. They absolutely do. But at home, the day-to-day logistics often default to women.

When this invisible labor goes unacknowledged and unshared, it’s not necessarily about bad intentions (although it can be). It’s more often about entrenched patterns of behavior, unspoken gender expectations, and a lack of shared systems.

But instead of just blaming men for not recognizing the issue and stepping up on their own, we should probably figure out how to address it together and restore balance. Because that imbalance harms everyone. But to share the mental load effectively, we first have to understand how things got off balance in the first place.

As a society, we place different expectations on men and women. When both partners are committed to understanding how those expectations shape our lives, we can make changes that last and improve life for everyone. We can also be better models of equality for our kids.

The Cost of Imbalance

When one person is carrying most of the mental load, it doesn’t just lead to burnout and overwhelm. It reshapes the entire relationship.

For women, it can feel like there's no room to rest. There’s pressure to stay on top of everything, guilt for dropping a ball, resentment that builds over time, and sometimes even loss of individual identity.

For men, societal norms often discourage them from taking on emotional and cognitive labor at home, robbing them of the chance to be equal partners and emotionally engaged parents. They may not even realize how much they’re missing or how much their partner is carrying. There could be discomfort, misunderstanding, or even shame when trying to take on more of the mental load, and a resistance to doing things that aren't viewed as masculine.

And for both partners, this imbalance can erode connection, trust, and mutual respect. It traps us in outdated roles that limit our choices and potential.

On a deeper level, sharing the mental load is really about fairness, equity, and rewriting the stories we’ve been told about belonging and what makes us valuable.

Why Sharing the Mental Load Is So Important

If you’re wondering whether mental load imbalance exists in your home, ask yourself this:

If you had to drop everything and leave unexpectedly for at least a week (no preparation, no notes, no reminders), would your partner know how to keep everything running as normal? And if they had to drop everything, could you do the same?

Would they know the sleep schedules, the morning routine, the pediatrician’s information, how to log in to the school portal, which bills are due, or when the next appointment is? And I’m not talking about surviving for a week. Would they be able to keep the normal routines (at least for the most part)?

If the answer is no, that’s not just a logistical issue. It’s a sign of mental load imbalance, and it means one partner is carrying more than their share.

Sharing the mental load fairly isn’t about dividing tasks 50/50. It’s about shared awareness, responsibility, and systems. It’s about building a home where both partners feel like co-creators of a shared life, not one project manager and one assistant.

In a different era, many families lived in communities with extended family nearby. Aunts, uncles, neighbors, grandparents, and friends could step in, help with sick kids, offer meals, drive you to the mechanic to pick up your car, or offer emotional support when things go wrong.

But today, many families are navigating their daily lives alone. We don’t ask each other for help. Forgot something at the grocery store? Make another trip or pay for Instacart. We live further from our extended families, with no one to call when our kids are home sick from school. We’re out of sick days, so we work from home and try to do two jobs at once.

And that makes how we manage the mental load at home even more important. Without broader systems of support, we have to be our own safety net, and when the mental load isn’t shared, the whole system becomes fragile (which, of course, is stressful).

How to Share the Mental Load

Not sharing the mental load fairly isn’t a personal issue or a relationship issue. It’s systemic. And because it’s systemic, we have to get to the heart of the inequality to make lasting changes. We have to start by asking, why wasn’t the mental load balanced fairly in the first place?

This is exactly why I created my course, Mental Load in Balance, to help couples examine how the mental load is currently distributed in their homes, understand its impact, and build a more equitable, sustainable system, without waiting for burnout to force a change.

The course walks you through identifying everything that goes into keeping your household running, organizing it into categories, creating shared systems, and having productive conversations that lead to lasting change.

It's not just about dividing up chores more fairly or who plans the birthday parties. It's about being on the same team when you're managing all of the mundane, day-to-day stuff that keeps your life going, and it's about being fully capable of supporting your partner when you inevitably need each other.

Stay Connected

To learn more about how to shift and better share the mental load:

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• Follow me on Instagram @mockingbirdlearning for helpful tips you can apply in your daily life

• Visit www.mockingbirdlearning.com to learn more about my audio course for coupes and download some free resources to get you started